The Boyz of Charleston: A dating guide
From the perspective of a female interested in males, dating is hard in college. Sure, the dating pool is slightly skewed as the College population is an estimated 65.2 percent female, but that’s what makes it fun.
We’re not a team; this is a competition. Everyone knows that the only reason a girl might choose to attend college is to get her M.R.S. degree. So, for the convenience of every girl needing to find a beau to keep from becoming a social pariah, we here at The Rival CofC have compiled a cohesive guide to the boys of Charleston.
The infamous Sadboi is a Charleston specialty, so this type may be appealing to out-of-towners who want to get a taste of the local flavor. The Sadboi listens to a mix of hardcore (hxc) and melancholic indie rock, but only wears the merchandise of the hardcore groups he’s seen. He will promote his own band to no end, but, if you try to listen to them, he’ll reveal that the only recordings exist on cassette tape. For the Sadboi, sad is a way of life. The sadder you are, the cooler you are. To quote Scotty Sire, “I think that being sad is just truly the only way I can be happy.” If you’re still interested in the Sadboi, you can probably find him at Rec Room, The Royal American, or Big Gun, depending on the night.
The Bluegrass Boy
Although they’re one of the more affectionate and bubbly varieties of boy, the Bluegrass Boy is also one of the most elusive. Impossible to find on a dating app, their relationships almost always stem from friendships or acquaintances. If you absolutely must find one, your best bet is to hang around only the most local coffee shops, music venues, and/or the hat shop on King. Facial hair, though not required, tends to be encouraged in the Bluegrass Boy community, and members often have long hair. They’re definitely wearing a flannel, and maybe a pair of Doc Marten’s that they constantly wish they had found at a thrift store. Anyone getting involved with a Bluegrass Boy should be cool about soft drug use.
Every now and then, there comes a stereotype that's just true, and those tend to be about frat boys and white people. Hype all the dang time, these are the bros ready to hand you alcohol at the party. As apparent in their name, they will probably own at least one pair of Yeezies, and will definitely listen to the specific brand of harder hip-hop to which white bois listen, namely whatever is played on the Top 40 station and those few Kanye songs – you know the ones. They may pop the collars of their polo shirts, but it will be tragically unironic, especially paired with their pastel Chubbies. They tend to talk about drug use and sex more than they participate in either.
The Frat Boy
This is the bro who will get you home safe. You probably went to high school together, so hangouts with the Frat Boy will be chill. They use more than their louder counterparts, so getting involved with one could mean the beginning of your acid-sitting business. He’s the type to dance at a party even though his “dancing” more closely resembles flailing. Either way, the Frat Boy is here for both a good time and an average amount of time.
The Art Heaux
The overalls they wear is a metaphor for how risky it is to get involved with them. Wearing overalls as a girl, while adorable, is tempting the fates which govern your bladder. Will you make it past all the buttons on time? Will you not make it? The same can be said for any relationship with the Art Heaux. He genuinely doesn’t mean to be like this, but if the choice is between you and his craft, you’ve got to go. If the relationship lasts, on the other hand, there’s a chance of either having an incredibly passionate time together or watching his descent into alcoholism until he finally chops off his own ear in the name of art.
The Church Boy
Although his natural environment is Clemson, the Church Boy is one of the easier boys to spot. He’s definitely wearing Chacos and a tee shirt representing either his youth group(s), his intramural sport(s) team(s), or the college he attends, if not a polo shirt. He has a guitar with him 24/7 whether you can see it or not. Waiting for small group to start? Have an hour or two before dinner? Waiting in line in the Addlestone Starbucks? These are all prime worship music moments. The Church Boy won’t kiss you on the first date, but he is extremely proud of how much he respects his female family members (even if he doesn’t vote in their best interests). The most commonly cited reason behind him initiating a breakup is “not seeing a future together.”
The Statue of John C. Calhoun in Marion Square
Pros: He’s rich, and you can use him to advance your underhanded political aspirations.
Cons: It’s very hard to climb all the way up to the top of the monument to talk to him, and once you finally get up there, you’ll find out that he was a racist - and that he’s dead.
His passion for the cause of the week is off the charts, but he will mansplain feminism to you. And if you can survive that, you will then have to make your way through endless, thoroughly detailed accounts of all of his political exploits. When he inevitably breaks it off, it will most likely be because he just “didn’t feel like you were part of a team,” even though he missed “team” on the spelling test. His answer included an "i."
The Band Boi
For many girls who have dated a band boi before, they are now banned boiz.
We hope that this article may serve as a guide for countless future generations of those interested in Charleston men, and we would love to hear from any of CofC girl who has used it on her journey to find the off-kilter Jim to her Pam. You can send your stories of love to email@example.com.
Article by Managing Editor Emma Grabowski, @emwhitney
Originally Published: 4-3-17